Ways To Stay Miserable (Politics of melancholy versus happiness)
‘Ways To Stay Miserable’ is a treatise about the trickery of the mind based on my experiences and observations. The theme of the book is at different levels but is mainly about looking at ‘real’ and ‘imaginary’ events, reflections on self and others. ‘Mind’ is frequently used as a place for breeding images and thoughts from which experience comes. I have tried to distinguish melancholy from happiness, what it means “here and now.”
But it’s dawn and here is a brief account of the grinding misery that inspired
Sometimes I thought it was a laugh, I was laughing at everyone but I soon sensed that my laughter was different, deep down in my laughter existed an incredible sadness. Sad to say but I could not laugh out loud.
I mean a belly laugh. There was sadness about the whole existence, about “others and myself.”
First two pages from Chapter One:
In the hours between dawn and dusk:
Dawn
everything in my life. Life has many interesting features, and most critical
is the
behaviour of the mind states. The need to build myself up is probably what
makes me look deep, at my drill and ways to stay miserable.
One specific mind state that I want to talk about is what you in a world
of thoughts and feelings call “melancholy,” which is a very deep feeling
of sadness, and I am captivated by melancholy. I think melancholy is a
wake-up call for the person’s attention; it is an attitude marked by a
paradoxical mood of realism.
I think my life has been a bunch of miseries to work with.
The sun is already high.
I think I am tired of my situation, but I am really tired of my thoughts. I
wake up feeling miserable, and I do not want to stay miserable. I look
back on my life, things that I wanted to do, or be or could have had.
I think about ways to get out of this whirlpool of the miserable feeling,
and I go around in circles unendingly. One thing leads to another; the
thoughts flash from beginning to finish almost in a chorus and also in
many directions. I can now see that the nearness of melancholy is
distracting.
I realise that attitude of happiness is in the present, “here and
now,” and not somewhere else or in the near future. That’s how I
rationalise making a choice.
The mind begins to breed images and thoughts of what my eyes ought to
see. I kick and I wriggle to hold and to capture firmly my thoughts of
passion and desires and each time I sense only the presence of a
condescending sneer. I sit up blind. Who is meeting today and what are
they talking about? I can’t help wondering.
I sit up, and I stare for hours and reminisce over and over about events of
last night or the previous day and the reasons why I need to snap out of
this “miserable feeling.” I am, as the saying goes, “burned out.”
Quite quickly, but then again, hopeful messages pop up and dance about;
a part of me wants to pick these up and walk away. I take it that my mind
is just making yet one more attempt to distract attention from the truth. I
guess that my mind is pretty good at generating new ideas and breeding
images regarding different ways to beat this melancholic feeling. It feels
kind of “sexy”!
“I am feeling pretty tired of my thoughts,” I admit. I often feel
trapped by my feelings. My feelings are ever so changeable, and I
know that I can have a hand in changing them. This is the “one
thought” that has sustained me throughout the years.
“Beat it now!” I find that my fight to “beat it” is invariable; instead my
thoughts navigate me towards the most tiresome attitude, which is
“staying miserable.” I ask myself, “Why can’t things be easy? Why can’t
I be happy – just for a day?”
Who Needs Trust? was released on November 28, 2005. More are planned...
Who needs trust? 'If truth be told.'
Book Excerpt:
I drew upon the experiences and stories of a number of young people and adults who have been sexually abused as children.
I have tried to develop upon their impressions and ways in which they continue to search for someone they can trust, their struggle to “become.”
This book is not a self-help book, it was written to share my observations and what I have learnt about the Survivors,
their perception of self and others,their pain and ways in which they tend to repeat the pattern of mistrust time and time again.
| Copyright © 2004 Roma Desai |
